World In My Eyes

The Wedding of Mr and Mrs Cruz

Hi!  I can't believe that it has been a month and a half since we've been married.  Where has the time gone?  I am just sooo very much loving life right now and taking the time to enjoy it.  So much happiness to share!

I thought I'd take the time to post some wedding pics and share some details from my fabulous day.  Excuse me for being brief with my descriptions... there are a ton of photos to share

This is me :)  I had maybe 6 hair trials, two makeup trials.  I tried on probably 20 dresses and fought my mom and Mark on the veil (and lost - they really wanted me to have one).  My $800 Tacori tiara was beautiful, I am so lucky to have WON it at a bridal show.  My neclace was custom made, and my diamond earrings were my something borrowed from my aunt.

   I love this picture.  It just brings me back to when we were posing for photos outside my home, and anyone who drove by would slow down to look.  Many were honking as they drove by, I felt like such a princess!

 

The back of my dress was a corset (as most Maggie Sottero gowns are).  I had to get my dad to corset me up because my bridesmaids were either not strong enough, or didn't want to ruin their newly manicured nails :)  I loved the look of the corset, however halfway through dinner I felt like I couldn't breathe because of how tight it was.  I ended up having my cousin loosen it up to make me more comfortable.  When I took off my dress at the end of the night, my skin was all bruised at my waist where my crinoline was tied up.  To this day, I still have marks on my skin.

 

This is my gorgeous bouquet.  Before meeting with my florist, I knew exactly what I wanted, and I am so happy that he was able to put all my ideas into one beautiful arrangement.  I had calla lilies and peonies, with crystals to bring out the sparkle in the bodice of my gown.  They were tied together with ribbon wrapped around the stems, and a line of pearls to accent.

  

On my bouquet, I placed a pin to the side of the pearls.  This pin is one which my grandmother wore in her hat every day.  It was just a small accent on her hat, but every picture I have seen of her, she is wearing this cute little hat and I am so happy that I was able to incorporate a part of it into my wedding day.  This of course, was my "something old".  My "new" was my gown/tiara/veil/neclace/shoes, and my blue was my garter :)

 

Our photographer had this cool idea to get a shot of Elijah taking a picture of us girls.  (This, by the way, is my bedroom.  I removed all the furniture so that we can have photos taken with the orange background).  Can you see Elijah's eye in the camera?  I think it's so brilliant!

 

 

This is me with my sister and Matron of Honour, Pam.

 

This is my family outside our home.  Dad, Mom, me, my sister Pam, my brother Joey and Elijah :)

 

This is Mark at his parent's house. 

 

This is Mark with his best friend and best man (and Godfather to our son), James.

 

Here is Mark with all the groomsmen.  From left to right, V.G. his cousin, James our friend, Mark, Jason our friend and James his cousin.

 

Here is Elijah and I rushing into the church.  I had all the girls go in before me so that I could have a few moments with Elijah in the limo before the ceremony began.  Once I had the signal that we were starting, I rushed in and got into line.  I'll never forget those feelings I had!

 

This is my little guy who was the first to walk the isle.  Instead of using a traditional ring pillow, he used his favourite teddy bear.  I attached the rings to it with a safety pin and gave him a bow.  Elijah was so proud to walk the isle, and he definitely stole the show.  (as a side note, his tuxedo matched Mark's.  SO cute!)

 

Here I am walking the isle with my dad.  Every birthday since I turned 18 my birthday wish before blowing out my candles was for my dad to live long enough to walk me down the isle.  After his first and second heart attack, and stroke, I prayed for God to allow me that time with him.  As I walked the isle, I kept thinking about my wish and prayers coming true.  When I saw Mark at the end of the isle, I broke into tears and couldn't stop crying the whole time.  It was SUCH an emotional time for me!  I'll never forget those 60 seconds (and Canon in D Major will always bring me back to that time).

 

Yep, I'm TOTALLY crying my eyes out.

 

Here we are during the ceremony.  I love my church.

 

Here we are saying our vows.

 

Elijah watching us during the ceremony.  He's getting ready to present the rings.

 

Exchanging rings.  I was so nervous, my hands were shaking!

 

This is right after our priest presented us as Mr and Mrs Mark Cruz.  Sooo happy!!!

 

Here we are signing the registry.

 

After the ceremony, the three of us walked up the isle together as a family.  Unforgettable. 

 

For photos, we went to this gorgeous park (Kariya Park) in downtown Mississauga.  It's a very small park, but it has this gorgeous pond and bridge.  The blooming cherry blossom trees were such a beautiful surprise, I had no idea they would be in bloom until the limo pulled up to it.  It was absolutely breathtaking.

 

 

 

 

  

 

In this photo, I love how our photographer captured Elijah running around in the background.  He was so cute just being a boy and getting all dirty :)

Here is that gorgeous bridge.

Some group shots.

The three of us.  Sadly, we didn't get too many of us three, it was mostly Mark & I and/or bridal party.

We took a lot of photos on this bridge among blades of grass.  It was such a cool setting.

Our rings.  I absolutely love my wedding band, it's two rows of diamonds intertwining (resembling figure 8's), going all the way around.  My engagement ring fits perfectly beside it.

We went to City Hall for some shots.  By this time, we were all so tired and wanted to be DONE with pictures.  This is after we all went to McDonald's for lunch (yes, I walked into a McD's with my huge gown!).  I think the McD's slowed us down, we were all pretty much ready for a nap at this point.

Blowing bubbles :)  Elijah was such a trooper, he didn't complain ONCE the whole day.  Our ceremony was at noon, and we didn't arrive at the reception until 5pm.  Between that time, it was ALL photos.  He was so good (a true photographer's son!).

More City Hall.

Here we are at the reception hall (Pavilion Royale in Mississauga). 

We began the night in a room which serves as the dance area.  The room has french doors which open up into the dining area.  We chose to have the doors closed for the first hour so that our guests could gather together and enjoy coctails while listening to some piano music.  Mark's Godfather played the piano for us, it was soooo beautiful.  He is an amazing pianist and our guests loved this part of the evening.  The hall served coctails and hors d'oeuvres while we waited for all of our guests to arrive.  Once most of our guests were there (after about 45 minutes), the servers opened the french doors to "reveal" the dining area, which was so beautifully decorated.

Here is Mark's Godfather playing the piano.

103 place cards that I printed myself using a package that I bought at Michael's (for 186 guests).

This was our gift of appreciation.  Instead of a traditional gift, we chose to make a charitable donation in honour of my sister on behalf of our guests to the Ontario Lupus Association.  This little card sat on everyone's plate, it thanked everyone for attending and informed them of our choice to donate to charity instead of giving a gift.  Making Memories generously donated so many supplies for my wedding, I had more than enough to create all my invitations and thank you cards.  With the help of my bridesmaids, I made 186 of these!  Our decor colours were chartreuse green and chocolate brown, and this paper from the Funky Vintage collection suited our decor perfectly.

Our centerpieces consisted of branches with green orchids attached to them.  They were so tall!  They stood in a vase filled with crystals, and the vase sat on a plate of light, that illuminated the centerpieces once the sun went down and the room became dark.  We had 22 tables, and the centerpieces looked stunning in the room.  The light plate actually made the branches cast shadows on the ceiling.  I wish I had a picture of how the room looked at night!

I chose bright green satin linens, and until I saw them on our wedding day, I was scared of how they might look.  The colour is quite loud, but once accented with the brown chairs, our branch centerpieces, gold charger plates and our thank you gift, the hall looked stunning!  In the photo below, you can see how the french doors are closed.  That's the area that I mentioned with the dance floor, where all of our guests gathered for coctails and piano.

I bought green rose petals for each table, and had my bridesmaids sprinkle the tables with them before the reception began.  They added such an elegant touch.  You can see here how the centerpiece sits on a plate of light.  This was more noticeable once the sun went down.  When these photos were taken, there was a lot of sunlight in the room still.

Our decor specialist was a genius.  He suggested (to save money) that instead of buying a new arrangement for the head table, we have empty vases there where all the girls could place their bouquets.  I loved this idea because I LOVED the calla lily bouquets!  There were six empty vases sitting in a box of grass, with votive candles surrounding it.  The grass was a very cheap wheat grass, and added so much colour to our table.  It was a very unique arrangement, and we received several compliments on it throughout the evening.  I mean, who thinks to put chunks of wheat grass on their head table?

For our head table, I decided that it was better for us to sit with our parents and Elijah, instead of the entire bridal party.  Some of our bridal party members are married with families, and others brought dates.  I didn't want to split up families/husbands/wives/significant others, so we kept it an intimate table with parents.  It was really nice.

Here is a picture of Mark and I during our first dance.  We contemplated our first dance song for awhile, we just couldn't agree on one that was "us".  I really wanted "Somebody" by Depeche Mode, but I knew he is soo not a DM fan.  On the phone one night, about a week before the wedding, we were going through Mark's Itunes list.  He was playing various 80's love songs, and when we came across "After All" by Cher and Peter Cetera, we KNEW it had to be our song.  It's all about being apart and coming together again, and knowing all along that we would end up together.  If you google the lyrics, you'll see how very much it describes our relationship :)

For the father/daughter dance, I chose "You Lift Me Up" by Josh Groban.  My dad and I had the BEST dance together.  He is such a good dad!  He was so cute with the advice and the "my how you've grown" and "I can't believe how beautiful you are" speech.  So amazing and unforgettable.

Phew - I have been at this computer for a long time posting these pictures!  These are all proofs from our photographer, Studio 2000 Photography from Toronto.  We haven't chosen which ones we want for our albums yet, it was only very recently that we received our disk of proofs.  I apologize if you are on my facebook and have already seen these and my comments for them... gotta keep the blog updated, too :)

Thank you for taking the time to read and share in our special day through my long blog post.  I love reading my comments, and am so happy that people still visit here after my long hiatus.  I have been busy lately with scrapbooking assignments, and marriage, but couldn't resist an hour to share photos.  Have a wonderful Canada day/4th of July weekend!

Quick One

The wedding was beautiful!

We just returned from honeymooning at Sandals Grande St. Lucia resort, and now we're trying to catch up on our sleep from a very exhausting month!  This is the one and only wedding photo I have so far, so I thought I would share it :)

Have a wonderful weekend, and thanks for taking a peek.

I'm getting married!!!

Two more days.  Oh my goodness!  I can't believe the time is actually here.

In just two days I will be Mrs. Jill Cruz.  Wow!  This is such an exciting time in my life, I can't contain my happiness.  I think that a part of me always knew that we would finally get here, to this point, and be so much in love.  But we had to face the greatest of hardships - and for that I am so grateful because it was during these hardships that we learned so much about one another and actually fell so deeply in love again.

We are so lucky.  I feel so very blessed.  Everything is just coming together so nicely for our wedding, I can't wait to share all the details.  I can't wait until I am able to post pictures!

This wedding is everything I ever dreamed of.  We are getting married in the Church that brought us together again.  We are celebrating with 186 of our closest family and friends.  I have my absolute DREAM wedding gown (Maggie Sottero Victoriana, if you want a peek).  Our son is wearing an adorable tuxedo that matches Mark.  My sister will be at my side as matron of honour, and my father will FINALLY walk me down the isle after wishing for ten years on shooting stars and birthday candles (after learning of his illnesses).

I am trying so hard to keep things cool and stress free.  At this point I have about 150 more favours to make for our guests, and 105 place cards.  I have to settle final details with 3 vendors, and I need to prepare for a post-rehearsal barbecue tomorrow evening.  There is still SO much that needs to be done, but I am still calm and haven't enabled myself to stress out too much just yet :)

I am taking my girls to the spa on friday for a morning of pampering, followed by an intimate lunch.  Then I plan to go to sleep super early on friday night so that I won't be exhausted come saturday morning when I need to wake up at 5:30 am to start getting ready.  I know that in the next two days, time will fly by so quickly, and pretty soon I'll find myself at the altar proclaiming in front of Mark, family & friends, and God that I will love and honour my wonderful husband forever and ever.

That moment can't come soon enough.  I am SO READY for this and am looking forward to a wonderful future with my family. 

Two more days!  Pray for me and for us, if you have a moment.  I have never in my life been this happy.

Here are some of our engagement shots (pictures by Studio 2000 Photography) - do the hair extensions look natural?

 

Just bloggin' again

Does anyone read this still?

It has been so long since I have blogged, I wasn't even sure if I remembered how to log in!

I have feared this post because I wasn't sure how to update.  How could I possibly sum up the last 7 months?  I can't.  It is simply impossible.  The last 7 months were very difficult for me.  So very challenging, too many things to say and not enough time or emotion to do any of it justice.

But among difficulties, the last 7 months have grown so much beauty.  How is that possible?  If you only knew... if you only spent a little time in my shoes.

There was Death.  Illness.  Multiple surgeries.  There were wedding plans.  A shy little boy who started school.  A lot of forgiveness and love.  Restored relationships with many people close to me.  Painful discoveries, great heartache, but above all, a complete renewal of my faith.

Of all that has happened since the last time I blogged, I believe that my greatest blessing has been this journey with God.  In times when I thought He had abandoned my family, when I felt like He wasn't a part of me, our Lord God pulled me so close to Him.  I am forever changed because of His graces... because of His love. 

And so here I am with not much to update except to say that the last 7 months have been the most challenging months of my life.  Yes, this certainly tops any struggles I have encountered as a single mother, it has been more challenging than the discovery of an unexpected pregnancy... more difficult than my conflicts with my brother... so much more harder to handle than any emotional turmoil I have experienced with Mark in the past.

But today is so good because of my relationship with God.  And because of this relationship with God, because of my renewed faith and complete trust in the Lord, I am happy to say that my life has never been better than it is right now.  I have never been happier than I am right at this moment. 

And you know what?  Today marks one month away from my wedding date.

Time went by much quicker then I ever thought it could.

Instead of dwelling on so many painful things that happened in the past months, I want to blog about the beautiful future I have with Mark, Elijah and our Lord Jesus Christ.  Among many hardships, my relationship with Mark has flourished into something so very beautiful, and I cannot wait to finally be his wife.

I regret not blogging all this time, I love having this blog because it will remind me many years from now of all the events in my life.  The last 7 months are unrecorded but hopefully from now on I'll have something to refer to when my memory fails me :)  I can't wait to move on from here... to share with you all my wedding happiness and family bliss...

Thank you for waiting... and for visiting my neglected blog once again.

Break

I am going through a really difficult time right now,

so I have decided to step away from blogging for the time being.

Thank you for caring enough to visit.

I'll return when I find the strength.

Wedding Stuff

Today was brutal.

You know, when people warned me about how stressful wedding planning can be, I never really listened.  For some odd reason I figured I was exempt from that because I have basically been dreaming of my wedding for a lifetime and assumed it would be all perfect and happy and FUN.

Today Mark presented me with his guest list, and his mother's guest list.  The total for his side is 80, which is about 30 more than we had originally figured.  His mom was able to come up with people I had never heard of or met, but are significant enough to be considered guests for our "small wedding".  I knew she would think of people to add to Mark's list, and am so glad I wasn't relying solely on Mark to make a list for his side because I KNEW that it was possible he was forgetting people, and he was.  I'm glad his guest list is bigger now, it takes some guilt away from me and my list of 104 (that's only 4 friends people, the rest are family!).

Needless to say there are way more people than we expected (double, actually).

I love my family and want ALL of them to attend my wedding.  It's important to me.  It's also important for me to have their partners and children as well.  But when my mother dropped the bomb on me today (the one where she says she doesn't have ANY money to give me)... suddenly this guest list became a very expensive reality.

No money... okay.  First thing I needed to do was chop my list in half.  So I did.  I was all sobbing and could hardly read through my tears, but I took a pen to my guest list and stroke off 50 people.  FAMILY MEMBERS.  It hurt so much.  Then I presented the list to my mother, who looked at it in horror.

"Well you have to invite these people, and you can't cut these people, and you ABSOLUTELY will NOT cut these people".

Okay.  So you won't give me any money, but you expect me to invite the entire family.

But it gets worse.  Not only was she so insulted at the hack job I did on the list, but she ALSO demanded that I put FOUR more people on it!  People we aren't even related to!  She then continues to tell me that she will PAY for their meals if I add them.

Huh?  You won't pay for any one of our family members, but you'll give me money for 4 randoms?  Excuse me, but any money I get from her is going to help seat FAMILY.  So I'm supposed to somehow pay for all 96 of our family members, but she'll give me $200 bucks for me to add four people I am not blood related to?  How does this make sense?

It's funny how her mind works.  She assumes that Mark will pick up the bill for our family to attend, and that it would make absolutely no difference for me to add four people because SHE is paying for them.  No way!  If she donates any money, it will pay for her sister and brothers and their children and grandchildren.  You can't donate such a small amount and specify that it's for a certain group of 4 people.  I could understand if she was paying for ALL the other family members and wanted to add extra.  But she isn't.  She isn't paying for ANYONE and wants to add extra, but justifies it by saying she'll pay for the extra that she's adding.  So we pay for 104, but if we add 4 more she'll give us $200.  Where is our money coming from?

Mark and I are so far from having money.  Quite the opposite, actually.  We're paying off debt.  We're so far in debt and we don't even have a home yet.  We plan on living with our parents until we can afford a decent down payment, which could be years.  So HOW are we going to do this wedding?

Such is the problem with having big families.  I'm not stressed at all about Mark's guest list because his mother (so truly kind of her) is offering to foot the bill for those guests.  Isn't that so incredibly sweet and generous?  There's one list of guests that comes stree-free.  If we did only what we could afford, we'd have a party with 80 of Mark's family and friends, and the four randoms that my mother wants to add.  Because after all, those are the guests that WE ourselves don't have to pay for.

This makes me so depressed.  I really REALLY want my family to attend, but I know we can't afford it.  And the more we go into debt, the longer we have to stay with our parents, and that means waiting longer to add to our family... so how truly important is this party?

It actually is important to me.  And because it's important to me, it's important to Mark.  He is being so incredible.  Unbelievably supportive and loving.  I was crying and crying on the phone with him today, and he kept reassuring me and truly wants to protect me from all of this stress.  He keeps telling me that he wants to make me happy, and that he will do ANYTHING to make me happy and I believe that.  He said he would do whatever it takes to give me the wedding of my dreams, and he would.

I was actually thinking of having our reception on a boat, the sort that cruises on Lake Ontario through the little islands.  We went on one last month for a Nikon thing (Mark works for Nikon), and it was really nice.  We saw many boats that had wedding parties on them, and it seemed like a neat idea so he decided to look into it.  He made some phone calls today and is in the midst of collecting all the details.  He is so great.  He knew that would make me happy, so he looked into it.

But if I told him that I wanted to have only 10 people in a local restaurant, he'd be happy to do that too.

I feel so selfish and undeserving and really wish we could do something that was affordable and makes everyone happy - but that just isn't possible.

Today I felt so bad when I told my mom that I had no problem with Mark's list because his mother was covering the bill for it.  That was until she looked at me and said "so that's it - I don't have any money so I can't bring anyone to your wedding.  If they have so much money, why don't THEY pay for the whole thing?".  She said she felt like she was being punished for not having money.  I told her she can't punish Mark's family because they do.  She can be so unfair and unreasonable sometimes, and it pains me to argue with her.

My sister keeps telling me to elope.  Or to plan a trip to Mexico and get married on a beach and anyone who wants to come can pay their own way.

And Mark keeps reminding me that this is simply a party.  It is not indicative of our love and commitment, and it actually distracts us and puts a cloud over the TRUE meaning of the day.

Getting married in our church is important to me.  Having my father walk me down the isle is very important to me.  Having my family finally united by God is the most important to me.

I just wish that after party wasn't so darn important to me.

Thanks for reading.

Thank you!

Thanks for all the happy comments!  I am just so happy, the last year I have been really happy.  Things are going so well for me, I almost feel like it has to end at some point.  Is that crazy?

This summer has been a busy one, for sure!  We have gone to so many places like Ontario Place, Great Wolf Lodge (Niagara Falls), my uncle's cottage, Chinese Lantern Festival... there's been my birthday and Elijah's birthday (two parties for that one!).  We still have tickets to the zoo and free passes to visit Ontario Place again.

On top of all our excursions, I have been in the middle of a TON of scrapbooking work.  In May/June I finished up my work for the new Season of Joy book for Making Memories (22 projects!).  We also started another huge project immediately after.  Also, amidst my DT work I was asked to participate in this AWESOME but super-secret project for an incredible magazine, so I have to finish up all those assignments in the next little while.

Lately I have been really into cardmaking and I've been randomly sending them out to family and friends, it feels so nice to do that.  I have so many supplies to use up but rarely make the time.  I promised myself I'd make at least 3 cards a week and I'm doing great with such a small commitment.  A big order from Stampin' Up! kinda gave me the jump start I needed.

Other things that have been making me happy:

1)  Buying wedding magazines.  I have so many ideas and they are sorta jumbled in my mind right now, but hopefully in the next few months Mark and I will have a clear plan of what we're doing.  I made a guest list and MY SIDE alone totaled 104, and that's ONLY bringing 4 friends and their guests.  Everyone else is family.  Yikes.  I need to learn how to delicately chop my number in half without hurting feelings... is there a good way to do this?  I'm stressing already!  We have NO MONEY and although I know Mark wants to give me the wedding of my dreams, I cannot forget the fact that we are broke and can't afford it.

2)  I got a letter in the mail specifying Elijah's new kindergarten teacher and room number.  He's actually going to school!  His first day is September 6th and I am so nervous for him (and ME!!!).

3)  My brother moved out.  Good for him, good for me, good for our relationship...it's a good deal all around. 

4)  My parents are finishing the basement here.  It'll add another 1000 square feet to our home, which will be so nice.  And wouldn't you know, he's building me a "scrap area".  Ha, now my parents will never get rid of me ;)

5)  I have an important doctor's appointment coming up.  I don't want to say what it is exactly, but I'm having a procedure done and I am so happy about it.  Really, really happy and excited.

That's it for now... thanks for checking in and THANKS again for all your kind words, they are so encouraging!!!

Our Story

I know I don't update as much as I'd like to, but I'm writing now simply for the sake of recording a memory.  My memory is failing me more than I'd like it to, so while this story is still sorta fresh in my mind, I'd like to share it with you :)

On Saturday July 28, Mark and I planned to cross the border into Niagara Falls New York to do some shopping.  Elijah needs some new clothes for school in the fall and I can usually score some good deals on children's clothes at an outlet mall just across the border into the US. 

We left Elijah with Mark's parents and started off for our trip.  Usually it takes no more than 90 minutes to get to the US, but on this particular day there was traffic everywhere.  We ran into traffic on the highway in the city beside us (Oakville, Ontario) which set us back about 45 minutes, and an hour later when we were about 10 kilometers from the border the traffic had stopped to a very, very slow crawl.  The weather was so hot - I think it was the hottest (and most humid) day we've had all summer. 

In the midst of our stop-and-go adventure, Mark announces that he is REALLY low on gas. 

I asked him if the indicator light had turned on, and he told me that it had turned on about an hour ago!  He figured he had maybe 5 litres of gas left at the most.  We turned off the air conditioning and rolled down the windows and continued to crawl through the line to cross the border. 45 minutes later, we were still at a slow crawl.  Mark kept contemplating turning the car off and pushing it through the traffic, then turning the car on once we reached cutoms, so that we'd have enough to find a gas station as soon as we crossed the border.  I think we were still 5-6 kilometers from customs at this point, and the crawl through traffic was so slow, it might have been another 1.5 hours before we reached customs.

He turned the car off, got out of the car and started pushing it.  I moved into the driver's seat and controlled the brakes.  People in cars around us were laughing.  You'd think this would be embarrassing for me - but all I could think of was how lucky I was to have a guy that wasn't too proud to get out and push a car through stop and go traffic.  He didn't care, he was more than happy to do this so that we'd make it into the US.

He did this for about 45 minutes.  At one point, a guy got out of his car and helped Mark push.  It was such a nice gesture!

When we reached a spot before going over the bridge to US, a few Canada customs employees came to us and told Mark that he couldn't push a car to the border.  He had to either pull over and wait for a tow truck to give us gas, turn the car on and see if he had enough gas to make it to the border, or turn around and head back to look for a gas station.  Mark didn't think he had enough gas to turn the car back on and wait another hour through the line, so he decided to pull over and wait for a tow truck.  When he spoke to a tow truck driver, the guy said that he could get us gas but it would cost us $40 on top of the price of gas, plus the guy would be a long time getting to us since he had to go through all that traffic again to get to where we were.

BUT - if Mark got out of the line and turned around, we'd have to wait through ALL that traffic again to cross the border.  We had already waited for a long time, so it didn't seem worth it to just get out of line and start all over.  Oddly enough, I wasn't upset.  The customs guy told us that we could try the other bridge because the lines are shorter there, so we decided to try that.  Mark turned the car on and headed back to the nearest highway exit.  We found a gas station in a teeny tiny town and filled up.  After that, we drove through Niagara Falls to the other bridge and got back into another crazy line in an attempt to cross the border there to FINALLY get some shopping done. 

We were in that line for 45 minutes, and once we almost reached the point of no return, we were faced with the decision to either continue in that line for another hour to get to the border or back out and call it a day.  I really had my heart set on shopping, but at this point we had been sitting in that car for over 4 hours and wanted to get out!  Mark noted that we could still make use of the day by dropping the shopping plan and spending the rest of our time in Niagara together.  It was a great idea!  We got out of the line and parked the car at the casino.

   

Mark and I went into the casino and played slots.  Amazingly, we only played $5 but were in there for a good half hour.  We were having so much fun together, I'll never forget it.  We kept making bets like "if we win this time, we'll eat at a restaurant" or "if we lose this time, it's take out".  Five dollars lasted us a pretty long time, and once we were out it was time for lunch.  We decided to eat at Kelsey's (one of my favourite restaurants).  We ordered a pitcher of beer and ate on the patio.  It was so nice!

   

It's funny how I wasn't even the least bit upset about how the day was turning out.  Normally I'd get sooooo mad at Mark for driving with an empty gas tank, and also mad at the fact that we had been through stop and go traffic in the crazy heat with nothing to show for it.  I really really wanted to go shopping, but we never made it there and that was OK.  I was happy.  Happy because despite our circumstances, we were having a great time with each other, joking around, playing music in the car, smooching & hugging, and being friends.  I remember a time during our meal when I got so emotional.  I started to get all teary eyed, and when he asked me what was wrong, I told him I was just so happy to be with him there and that I was having such a wonderful time.  Niagara Falls is my favourite place on earth, and by some strange circumstances we ended up there together, what an amazing change in luck!  Our plans were messed up, we were stuck in a car with no air conditioning, we didn't get to cross the border... but the company was soooo good and everything felt perfect.

After we ate, Mark and I roamed Niagara.  The main strip was so busy, there were a TON of people there.  We walked through some gardens and headed over to the falls.  There was this new lookout platform I had never seen there before, it was near the entrance to the Maid of the Mist.  We climbed to the top of that platform and could see the view of both US and Canadian falls.

 

It was so beautiful.

On that platform with the falls in front of us, Mark leaned in towards me and whispered into my ear.

"I have a secret" he says.

"What is it?" I asked him.

"Will you marry me?"

"You know I'll marry you" I said.  To be honest, I thought he was just joking around.

But he went into his pocket and pulled out a ring and placed it onto my finger.  The most beautiful ring I have ever seen in my life.  I started to cry.  I was actually sobbing.  After six years of ups and downs, trials, happiness, a beautiful baby boy... we were there, at that moment, together and making a promise to be together for the rest of our lives.  It was the happiest moment in my entire life.  I couldn't imagine a better moment for that to happen... and it's amazing how none of it was planned.  We never planned to end up in Niagara Falls.  He never intended to ask me that day, he was actually saving it for another time.  But the ring was in his car and everything felt perfect, so he put it in his pocket and brought it with him for our day.

The most pefect, most meaningful day... I am so happy.  Every day since then we've been so excited, talking about our wedding and what we're going to do, and how lucky we are to have each other.  I am so blessed to have such a wonderful man.  So happy that our family is going to be complete.

I love him with all my heart, he is doing so much to make me happy and show me he loves me and oh MAN I feel like the luckiest woman in the world that he asked me to be his wife.

WE'RE ENGAGED!!!!

Thanks for reading :)

He gave me the northern lights

Lately I have been going through some changes.

In the past few months I have felt this overwhelming power take over me.  It has completely taken over my soul.  At first, I have felt little hints here and there.  A little whisper in my ear telling me to do certain things, to have faith, to love, to give... to make the right choices.

God has been speaking to me.  See, I'm crying right now just typing it.

It's funny how I never noticed before, the way that God speaks to me.  Totally amazes me how I couldn't understand it or feel it, or acknowledge it.

It's in very subtle ways.  Things may go the way I need them to.  The Book will be open to just the right page.  Mark reaches out to me at just the right time.  Elijah says something to me very special.  In teeny tiny ways God has been speaking to me and I never noticed.

Two weeks ago I proactively woke up early on Sunday and got myself and Elijah ready to go to church.  I asked Mark to come with us.  During communion, the children's choir sang my favorite song.  My very favorite song, the one I used to sing out loud when I was a child... and I thought hey, what a coincidence... they sing this song on the day I decide to go to church.

A few months ago I began a bible study with my father.  He is part of a small group of about ten church members who gather weekly to discuss bible Q&A.  He has been participating in these studies for over ten years now, but I heard that the group was beginning a 28 week study on the Gospel according to John and I asked if I could join.  Elijah's Godfather told me years ago that if I ever felt drawn to the Word, to open the Book and start with John.

Beginning the study was what ignited my desire to bring myself closer to God.  I have prayed every now and then. I have spoken to God but never on a daily basis, and I wasn't a regular church goer.  I'll admit that it was just too easy to send Elijah off to church with my parents while I slept in on Sundays.

But like I said, there is this feeling within me that has been taking over.  This feeling has encouraged me to ask more questions about how I can bring God into my life.  This little feeling has taught me how to really listen to God when He speaks to me.  The little coincidences and feelings and everyday beauty of life around me have started to make sense, and the more I became aware of it all, the more I felt God come closer to me.

I have been struggling with this so much.  A big part of allowing God to come into my life is about reflecting on my life and the choices I am making, and the things I have done.  A big part of this change is about admitting I am weak and powerless and very much a sinner.  I cannot fully ask God to help me and live through me unless I acknowledge all the ways I have pushed Him away and neglected the Word.  I am not deserving of God and His graces, but all this time I have had this strong sense of entitlement.  I am Christian, therefore I have Christ to save me from my sins.  I believe in Christ, even though 100% of the things I do on a daily basis aren't for Him, even though I sin on a regular basis... believing in Christ is enough to save me.

I am Christian therefore I am saved.

Boy did I have it wrong.  How can I ask for a savior when times are tough, when I need help, but neglect Him once things are going my way?  Why are 99% of my prayers about asking God to help me, and not about thanks, glory, repentance, or prayers for other people?  Slowly over the last few months I have come to the realization that there is more to living a life with Christ than simply believing He is a really important figure.  Belief isn't enough.  I need to change my life, I need to do what He expects me to do, I need to live a life that would make Him proud.

Last week I was lying down beside Elijah, tucking him into bed at the end of the day.  He said to me:

"Mama, after I wake up, I want to wake you up... and then, for the whole day, I want to follow you every where you go".

And after months of not knowing where I stood with God and what I needed to do to bring Him closer to me, a small statement from my son was the little push I needed.  This little guy looks up to me, he admires me so much.  He wants to follow me every where I go.  And what better direction to lead him into than a life of accepting God's love?  I started to cry because I realized that I wasn't doing that for my son, I wasn't leading him where he needed to go.  I need to be that person for him.  If he is going to look up to me and listen to me and follow me, then I need to step up and show him what a wonderful path it is to walk with Christ by your side.

After Elijah had fallen asleep I was praying so hard, praying for guidance, praying for forgiveness, and asking God to keep pushing me into His direction.  I doubted my ability to lead my son the way I wanted, but asked that God help me learn that I can make the right choices and change my life the way He needs me to.  I asked God if He was listening, and if He could let me know that He hears me and loves me and wants me to come to Him.  A few seconds after praying I went outside into my backyard to have some moments by myself to reflect.  I found my dad sitting in the hot tub looking up at the sky.  I asked him what he was up to.  He told me that he was sitting there praying for God to help him feel better, to give him a little bit of peace after a week of heartache from family issues.  And then he says:

"Look what He gave me.  The northern lights".

I looked up and saw them there in the sky, and it was so beautiful... and after a moment of realization with my son, followed by a time of prayer, I truly from the bottom of my heart believe that God gave me the northern lights that night as a sign that He's there, He loves me and I'm on the right path.

At that moment I broke down and cried, harder than I have cried in years.  I must have scared my dad, he had no idea why I was crying or what I was struggling with.  He asked me what was wrong, and I told him nothing was wrong.  I felt like I have lived my life blind and finally I can see, finally everything is starting to make sense and it's all because of God and His love and ways that He has been trying to bring me closer to Him.  I told my dad how much I wanted to change my life, how much I want to lead a life with Christ and how very important I knew it was to lead Elijah into this direction with me.

Then my dad tells me that this was the peace he needed and prayed for. 

And so God answered both of our prayers that night.  I will never be the same, and am so grateful to finally be able to acknowledge how important it is to pray and be accepting of all the little ways God can speak to me and show me how much He loves me.

He communicates with me everyday, and I can finally recognize how and when and the beauty of it all.

Like how God gave me my favorite song on the day I chose to attend church after a long absence.  Like how the church bible study was starting the Gospel of John at a time when I was seeking guidance.  Like how my son at just the right moment helps me realize how important I am to him.  Like how beautiful it is to see the sky light up and shine among the darkness of night, after a time of prayer and realization and reflection...

Suddenly my perception has changed.  The world is different.  My life has a new purpose.

It's a long, difficult path.  But I keep praying for the strength to stay on track, to keep following His word, and to set an example for my young son.   

Update

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.

My dad is doing well.  He is home now, and taking things easy.  Last week was tough, it was so hard to see him there at the hospital.  I would have updated sooner, but I have taken some time for myself and family. 

This weekend is going to be busy.  I love Easter!  We  have church on friday, saturday and sunday.  We celebrate my sister's birthday.  We let go of the puppies, all of them will be taken away this weekend (sniff, sniff).  Work work and more work to do.  Mark's parents came back from a 10 day trip and we need to give them a welcoming.  Easter dinner with both sides.  Where will I find time to relax? 

It should be a great weekend :)

Thanks for stopping by.