World In My Eyes

Girl... Boy... Girl... Boy...?

So this week I have the opportunity to find out whether this little one is a boy or a girl.  This is it.  If I don't find out at this ultrasound appointment, I won't be able to find out until birth.  I won't have any more scheduled ultrasounds after this one, so here's my chance (if I so choose).

I'm pretty sure Mark doesn't want to know.  Well, he's pretty easy actually.  If I wanted to find out, he'd just go along.  If I didn't, he's okay with that as well.  He sorta just lets me do what I want to do, and goes along with my choices (he's that sort).

Elijah is just dying to find out, and it's no secret that he wants a brother.  He tells everyone that he wants a little brother, I mean, what five year old boy would want a sister?  The age gap is so big between the two, I'm just assuming that the only shot these two have at being close is if I'm having a boy.  I could be wrong, though.

Mark wants a girl.  He actually wanted a girl the first time around.  I know his fingers are crossed for one, just like the rest of my family who wants a girl to "even things out".  My sister has one son (her one and only child), and my brother probably won't have children.  So this leaves ME, the one and only hope that my parents have at having a grand-daughter.

I want a daughter eventually, but honestly am just a teeny bit hoping that this one is a boy, for Elijah.  I know (actually I pray) that this will not be our last child, so there's still another chance for a girl if this one is a boy.  But this time around, I'm secretly keeping my fingers crossed for a boy.  But if it's a girl, that's wonderful too, because as I said before I do eventually want to have a daughter.

My mother asked me today if I would regret finding out early whether this was a boy or a girl.  I think that a part of me would wish we had waited, to experience the whole surprise at birth.  But then again, to know ahead of time has so many advantages, too.  Like for buying clothes, choosing a name and for bonding.  When I was pregnant with Elijah, the ultrasound technician "accidentally" told me that I was expecting a boy, when I for sure didn't want to find out until birth.  But once I knew, I could instantly bond with him.  He just felt so much closer to me, it's funny how knowing the sex of the baby can do that.  With this baby, he or she is still an "it" to us.  It just feels like I'm not entirely connected to it yet, like the baby is such a big mystery still (and it is)... but see, there I go with the whole "it" thing.  My baby is an it!

My mom and son want me to find out, my sister, father and husband prefer to wait.  I was thinking of just finding out and keeping it to myself, not telling ANYONE.  But would I regret it?  Ahhhh... I don't know which to choose.

My question to you is:  did you / would you wait, or find out early?  I'm still undecided, and probably will be undecided all throughout my appointment.  Arggh!

Baby Stuff

I am now just over 20 weeks pregnant (I think).  I'm not positive because I did not record the date of my LMP and every time I have an ultrasound, the dates keep jumping back and forth between March 25th and April 5th.  I'm "approximately" 20 weeks now, so they say.

Two weeks ago I had an ultrasound because I was in a car accident.  I was on my way to pick up Elijah from school and was going through an intersection on a green light, doing about 40km/hr.  A woman from the opposite direction was making a left turn, and turned into my path right while I was going through the intersection.  I nailed her pretty good with my car.

It was so, so scary.  The first thing I felt was this crunch on my right knee, I think it hit somewhere hard under the steering wheel.  The next thing I remember was hearing a lound BANG while the air bags deployed, and let me tell you that those things might look like soft pillows, but ouch, they actually gave me bruises. 

The car filled with smoke and that was my sign to get the heck out of my car, so I tried to open my door.  Because of the way the cars hit each other, the alignment of my car was thrown off and I couldn't open my door.  It took a couple of big hard shoves from my shoulder, until finally I could escape, but wouldn't you know it, I couldn't walk.  My knee was hurting bad and I was in terrible shock.  The one and only thing that I could think of was my baby.

There were some people who came to my aid.  This one man was so great, he actually picked me up and carried me off the road and onto a patch of grass.  Someone called the police, and a few minutes later a fire truck, ambulance and police cruiser arrived at the scene.

I went to the hospital and had an ultrasound, which showed that the baby was healthy and happy, rolling around in the protective sac.  The placenta wasn't affected, and his (or her) heartbeat was really strong.  I suffered bruises on my hands, chest and knee, and still today I have some back/shoulder pain.  The woman driver was charged with making an improper turn, and my car was written off as unrepairable.  We were given the settlement check this week for the car, and I'm considering starting some kind of treatment for my back (although I'm not sure what my limitations are while being pregnant).

I feel very fortunate that our little baby survived this ordeal.  It just shows how quickly, in one little instant and because of one little mistake, your life can change.  I'm still scared to drive, especially through that particular intersection.  Mark has been driving Elijah in the morning but every afternoon I have to take that same route to the school.  I wonder if I'll ever get over this fear?

Last week I received news that a friend of mine (with a baby due date of three days before me) went into early labour and delivered a son.  The little boy whom they named Peter was much too young to survive outside his mama, and he passed away.  It is just so tragic, and I really wept for her.  This is her third baby into heaven.

So many friends of ours are having troubles conceiving.  I have this one friend who has been trying for about 5 years now, and is now unfortunately exploring IVF (I say unfortunately only because it is against my Catholic beliefs).  Her and her husband have wanted a child for so long, and they would be the most excellent parents.  I pray for them every night, I really do, but I wonder why God would deny them this privilege?

Mark and I were blessed in the very first month of trying, and even after two months of bleeding episodes, severe cramping and this car accident, our baby is healthy and growing beautifully.  Why are we so fortunate?  Why are so many of our friends suffering, while we are given this beautiful blessing?

And just when I thought that I had it bad, when I was feeling sorry for myself for being in a car accident, or having pregnancy complications, I am reminded of others whose suffering is so much more deeper and painful than mine.  I don't have it bad, my life was not complicated or negatively affected.  I really feel terrible for always making such a huge deal of the little things.  I can usually find negativity in any situation, but I need God to ground me and remind me of how very fortunate I am in my life right now.

I don't know all the answers.  I only know what I was taught: that there is always a purpose in our struggles.  I think about my friends daily, and pray for positive outcomes.  And you can be sure that every single day I thank God for my blessings.  I have wanted this baby ever since my last one was born, and even though it took a little bit of a long journey to get back to this point, I couldn't rejoice more in this experience.

Praise God!

(ps - before I conclude, thank you Erika for bringing me such awesome news about DM!  Wow!).

New Chatterbox and Update!

Hey All!

I've decided to come out of hiding!  It's been a really long time since I have posted, but honestly I wasn't even aware that people still checked in once in awhile.  Thank you for caring, asking and praying for me and my family!

Well, when the fabulous Courtney Walsh asked me to make a blog post about this new Chatterbox release, I thought it would be a great opportunity to make an update for everyone.  I didn't even realize that family was reading this blog until some of my relatives started to ask me when I was going to start updating again.  Here I am!

First, let me take the chance to introduce you to this awesome new release from Chatterbox.  It's a Christmas kit, and you can find this beauty at Sam's Club.  Courtney was kind enough to send me this kit, and I feel so very lucky for the chance to play around with this product.  It blew me away!  I mean, you all know that Chatterbox has always had that effect on me (always have been a Chatterbox girl at heart), but this kit isn't like anything I have ever seen Chatterbox come out with before.  It has a very artsy, funky, fun, yet traditional Christmas feel to it.  Melody Ross designed the contents of this kit, and it is so unique for Chatterbox.  Black papers and embellishments for Christmas time?  It totally works!  The colours in this kit work together beautifully for Christmas projects.

(Image taken from the Chatterblog):

The one and only problem I encountered with this kit is figuring out where to start!  There are so many pieces (over 500 pieces), and the simplistic scrapper in me had troubles choosing which items to use on my page!  I was overwhelmed with the choices in front of me.  There were border stickers, chipboard stickers, silhouette stickers, alpha stickers, chipboard letters, ribbons, a whole bunch of buttons and felt shapes, clear stamps, and let's not forget the patterned papers!  I wanted to jam it all onto my page, but I had to settle for spreading this goodness out across several projects :)

Here is the creation I want to show you today:

 

It was fun digging out those Christmas photos!  I can't believe I hadn't scrapbooked them yet.  I loved the colours in my photos, they were just so Christmassy, so instead of printing them in black in white like I normally do, I left them in colour (which is just so out of character for me).

I had a hard time deciding which patterned papers I wanted to use, so I decided to create a star shape which would contain five of my favourite ones from this collection.  Once I was finished piecing the papers of my star together, I decided to place a sheet of vellum over the patterned papers so that they wouldn't have to compete with my photos and embellishments.  I knew I wanted to add a ton of embellies to my page, so making the patterned papers softer seemed like the best idea.  I never use vellum, but I loved the soft look it gave my papers!

Once the star and photos were in place, I had a lot of fun placing random embellishments on my page.  I love, love, love that chipboard cardinal and knew I just HAD to incorporate it on my page somehow.  It worked nicely with my trail of ruby splendid treasures.  I added some felt to my title and finished my look with the border stickers and ribbon underlining my title.  To make the green circles pop from my border sticker, I added some of the green crystal brads from this kit.  Fun stuff!

 

I feel very fortunate to work with these scrapbooking goodies after being away from the hobby for so long.  I am so happy for the chance to be working with Courtney and Chatterbox again, and am really excited for all the new adventures this company has in store!

In other news, things are going very well for me.  I have now reached 19 weeks in my pregnancy, and this little one is moving around so much for me.  Mark and I decided that we would like to keep the sex of the baby a surprise until delivery, so it has been fun trying to guess whether Elijah will have a baby brother or sister.  Elijah would like a brother, but he's convinced that he will have a sister.  I would like to have another boy, but at the same time I always wanted a daughter.  I have a strong feeling that I am carrying a girl, I felt it right from the beginning so we will see!  We would be so happy with whichever we are blessed with, God is so absolutely wonderful to us for blessing us with another child so soon after our wedding!  Mark and I are praying that we will have the opportunity to have more children after this one, so it'll be interesting to see what's in store for us in terms of child genders. 

Elijah is the most excited these days.  He is absolutely thrilled to have a sibling, and every day he does little things for me that he says is "for the baby".  For example, he'll bring me a blanket and tell me it's to keep the baby warm.  Or he'll get me a fruit from the refridgerator and tell me that the baby might need to eat it.  He kisses my growing tummy and talks about all the things he wants to teach the baby now that he's a big brother.  I love his big heart and I know that he will be the greatest role model for all his siblings.

It has been six years since the last time I was pregnant, so this all seems like new territory again.  It feels like I am going through it all for the first time, I forgot how wonderful it felt to be pregnant.  This pregnancy is so different from my last.  I have pretty much zero nausea and vomiting, unlike last time when I had it straight through until the last month and was on prescription drugs to control it.  Between 5 and 13 weeks this time around I had heavy bleeding and cramping, which was very scary.  I was put on bed rest and I left my job at Carter's / Osh Kosh to stay off my feet.  Also, I had pretty bad dizzy spells this time around that I didn't experience when I was pregnant with Elijah.  Once I got through the first trimester though, I started to feel wonderful!  I have so much energy and I have actually never felt healthier.

Emotionally, this pregnancy of course is very different.  We planned this one, unlike with Elijah when the news came as a complete shock.  When I saw those two pink lines, I immediately told Mark and we were both so happy and thanked the Lord for this blessing.  Together as a family, we are planning and praying and constantly talking about how different our lives will be with this new addition.  I can't wait until March, it just seems so far away!

Thank you for taking the time to check in today, and for your comments (which I read over and over again because they make me feel so good).  I feel so out of touch with the scrapbooking community these days but I love being back into creating again, and I love sharing my work when I can.

Have a wonderful day!

Three Words

Two

Pink

Lines...

!!!!!!!!!!!

:)

The Wedding of Mr and Mrs Cruz

Hi!  I can't believe that it has been a month and a half since we've been married.  Where has the time gone?  I am just sooo very much loving life right now and taking the time to enjoy it.  So much happiness to share!

I thought I'd take the time to post some wedding pics and share some details from my fabulous day.  Excuse me for being brief with my descriptions... there are a ton of photos to share

This is me :)  I had maybe 6 hair trials, two makeup trials.  I tried on probably 20 dresses and fought my mom and Mark on the veil (and lost - they really wanted me to have one).  My $800 Tacori tiara was beautiful, I am so lucky to have WON it at a bridal show.  My neclace was custom made, and my diamond earrings were my something borrowed from my aunt.

   I love this picture.  It just brings me back to when we were posing for photos outside my home, and anyone who drove by would slow down to look.  Many were honking as they drove by, I felt like such a princess!

 

The back of my dress was a corset (as most Maggie Sottero gowns are).  I had to get my dad to corset me up because my bridesmaids were either not strong enough, or didn't want to ruin their newly manicured nails :)  I loved the look of the corset, however halfway through dinner I felt like I couldn't breathe because of how tight it was.  I ended up having my cousin loosen it up to make me more comfortable.  When I took off my dress at the end of the night, my skin was all bruised at my waist where my crinoline was tied up.  To this day, I still have marks on my skin.

 

This is my gorgeous bouquet.  Before meeting with my florist, I knew exactly what I wanted, and I am so happy that he was able to put all my ideas into one beautiful arrangement.  I had calla lilies and peonies, with crystals to bring out the sparkle in the bodice of my gown.  They were tied together with ribbon wrapped around the stems, and a line of pearls to accent.

  

On my bouquet, I placed a pin to the side of the pearls.  This pin is one which my grandmother wore in her hat every day.  It was just a small accent on her hat, but every picture I have seen of her, she is wearing this cute little hat and I am so happy that I was able to incorporate a part of it into my wedding day.  This of course, was my "something old".  My "new" was my gown/tiara/veil/neclace/shoes, and my blue was my garter :)

 

Our photographer had this cool idea to get a shot of Elijah taking a picture of us girls.  (This, by the way, is my bedroom.  I removed all the furniture so that we can have photos taken with the orange background).  Can you see Elijah's eye in the camera?  I think it's so brilliant!

 

 

This is me with my sister and Matron of Honour, Pam.

 

This is my family outside our home.  Dad, Mom, me, my sister Pam, my brother Joey and Elijah :)

 

This is Mark at his parent's house. 

 

This is Mark with his best friend and best man (and Godfather to our son), James.

 

Here is Mark with all the groomsmen.  From left to right, V.G. his cousin, James our friend, Mark, Jason our friend and James his cousin.

 

Here is Elijah and I rushing into the church.  I had all the girls go in before me so that I could have a few moments with Elijah in the limo before the ceremony began.  Once I had the signal that we were starting, I rushed in and got into line.  I'll never forget those feelings I had!

 

This is my little guy who was the first to walk the isle.  Instead of using a traditional ring pillow, he used his favourite teddy bear.  I attached the rings to it with a safety pin and gave him a bow.  Elijah was so proud to walk the isle, and he definitely stole the show.  (as a side note, his tuxedo matched Mark's.  SO cute!)

 

Here I am walking the isle with my dad.  Every birthday since I turned 18 my birthday wish before blowing out my candles was for my dad to live long enough to walk me down the isle.  After his first and second heart attack, and stroke, I prayed for God to allow me that time with him.  As I walked the isle, I kept thinking about my wish and prayers coming true.  When I saw Mark at the end of the isle, I broke into tears and couldn't stop crying the whole time.  It was SUCH an emotional time for me!  I'll never forget those 60 seconds (and Canon in D Major will always bring me back to that time).

 

Yep, I'm TOTALLY crying my eyes out.

 

Here we are during the ceremony.  I love my church.

 

Here we are saying our vows.

 

Elijah watching us during the ceremony.  He's getting ready to present the rings.

 

Exchanging rings.  I was so nervous, my hands were shaking!

 

This is right after our priest presented us as Mr and Mrs Mark Cruz.  Sooo happy!!!

 

Here we are signing the registry.

 

After the ceremony, the three of us walked up the isle together as a family.  Unforgettable. 

 

For photos, we went to this gorgeous park (Kariya Park) in downtown Mississauga.  It's a very small park, but it has this gorgeous pond and bridge.  The blooming cherry blossom trees were such a beautiful surprise, I had no idea they would be in bloom until the limo pulled up to it.  It was absolutely breathtaking.

 

 

 

 

  

 

In this photo, I love how our photographer captured Elijah running around in the background.  He was so cute just being a boy and getting all dirty :)

Here is that gorgeous bridge.

Some group shots.

The three of us.  Sadly, we didn't get too many of us three, it was mostly Mark & I and/or bridal party.

We took a lot of photos on this bridge among blades of grass.  It was such a cool setting.

Our rings.  I absolutely love my wedding band, it's two rows of diamonds intertwining (resembling figure 8's), going all the way around.  My engagement ring fits perfectly beside it.

We went to City Hall for some shots.  By this time, we were all so tired and wanted to be DONE with pictures.  This is after we all went to McDonald's for lunch (yes, I walked into a McD's with my huge gown!).  I think the McD's slowed us down, we were all pretty much ready for a nap at this point.

Blowing bubbles :)  Elijah was such a trooper, he didn't complain ONCE the whole day.  Our ceremony was at noon, and we didn't arrive at the reception until 5pm.  Between that time, it was ALL photos.  He was so good (a true photographer's son!).

More City Hall.

Here we are at the reception hall (Pavilion Royale in Mississauga). 

We began the night in a room which serves as the dance area.  The room has french doors which open up into the dining area.  We chose to have the doors closed for the first hour so that our guests could gather together and enjoy coctails while listening to some piano music.  Mark's Godfather played the piano for us, it was soooo beautiful.  He is an amazing pianist and our guests loved this part of the evening.  The hall served coctails and hors d'oeuvres while we waited for all of our guests to arrive.  Once most of our guests were there (after about 45 minutes), the servers opened the french doors to "reveal" the dining area, which was so beautifully decorated.

Here is Mark's Godfather playing the piano.

103 place cards that I printed myself using a package that I bought at Michael's (for 186 guests).

This was our gift of appreciation.  Instead of a traditional gift, we chose to make a charitable donation in honour of my sister on behalf of our guests to the Ontario Lupus Association.  This little card sat on everyone's plate, it thanked everyone for attending and informed them of our choice to donate to charity instead of giving a gift.  Making Memories generously donated so many supplies for my wedding, I had more than enough to create all my invitations and thank you cards.  With the help of my bridesmaids, I made 186 of these!  Our decor colours were chartreuse green and chocolate brown, and this paper from the Funky Vintage collection suited our decor perfectly.

Our centerpieces consisted of branches with green orchids attached to them.  They were so tall!  They stood in a vase filled with crystals, and the vase sat on a plate of light, that illuminated the centerpieces once the sun went down and the room became dark.  We had 22 tables, and the centerpieces looked stunning in the room.  The light plate actually made the branches cast shadows on the ceiling.  I wish I had a picture of how the room looked at night!

I chose bright green satin linens, and until I saw them on our wedding day, I was scared of how they might look.  The colour is quite loud, but once accented with the brown chairs, our branch centerpieces, gold charger plates and our thank you gift, the hall looked stunning!  In the photo below, you can see how the french doors are closed.  That's the area that I mentioned with the dance floor, where all of our guests gathered for coctails and piano.

I bought green rose petals for each table, and had my bridesmaids sprinkle the tables with them before the reception began.  They added such an elegant touch.  You can see here how the centerpiece sits on a plate of light.  This was more noticeable once the sun went down.  When these photos were taken, there was a lot of sunlight in the room still.

Our decor specialist was a genius.  He suggested (to save money) that instead of buying a new arrangement for the head table, we have empty vases there where all the girls could place their bouquets.  I loved this idea because I LOVED the calla lily bouquets!  There were six empty vases sitting in a box of grass, with votive candles surrounding it.  The grass was a very cheap wheat grass, and added so much colour to our table.  It was a very unique arrangement, and we received several compliments on it throughout the evening.  I mean, who thinks to put chunks of wheat grass on their head table?

For our head table, I decided that it was better for us to sit with our parents and Elijah, instead of the entire bridal party.  Some of our bridal party members are married with families, and others brought dates.  I didn't want to split up families/husbands/wives/significant others, so we kept it an intimate table with parents.  It was really nice.

Here is a picture of Mark and I during our first dance.  We contemplated our first dance song for awhile, we just couldn't agree on one that was "us".  I really wanted "Somebody" by Depeche Mode, but I knew he is soo not a DM fan.  On the phone one night, about a week before the wedding, we were going through Mark's Itunes list.  He was playing various 80's love songs, and when we came across "After All" by Cher and Peter Cetera, we KNEW it had to be our song.  It's all about being apart and coming together again, and knowing all along that we would end up together.  If you google the lyrics, you'll see how very much it describes our relationship :)

For the father/daughter dance, I chose "You Lift Me Up" by Josh Groban.  My dad and I had the BEST dance together.  He is such a good dad!  He was so cute with the advice and the "my how you've grown" and "I can't believe how beautiful you are" speech.  So amazing and unforgettable.

Phew - I have been at this computer for a long time posting these pictures!  These are all proofs from our photographer, Studio 2000 Photography from Toronto.  We haven't chosen which ones we want for our albums yet, it was only very recently that we received our disk of proofs.  I apologize if you are on my facebook and have already seen these and my comments for them... gotta keep the blog updated, too :)

Thank you for taking the time to read and share in our special day through my long blog post.  I love reading my comments, and am so happy that people still visit here after my long hiatus.  I have been busy lately with scrapbooking assignments, and marriage, but couldn't resist an hour to share photos.  Have a wonderful Canada day/4th of July weekend!

Quick One

The wedding was beautiful!

We just returned from honeymooning at Sandals Grande St. Lucia resort, and now we're trying to catch up on our sleep from a very exhausting month!  This is the one and only wedding photo I have so far, so I thought I would share it :)

Have a wonderful weekend, and thanks for taking a peek.

I'm getting married!!!

Two more days.  Oh my goodness!  I can't believe the time is actually here.

In just two days I will be Mrs. Jill Cruz.  Wow!  This is such an exciting time in my life, I can't contain my happiness.  I think that a part of me always knew that we would finally get here, to this point, and be so much in love.  But we had to face the greatest of hardships - and for that I am so grateful because it was during these hardships that we learned so much about one another and actually fell so deeply in love again.

We are so lucky.  I feel so very blessed.  Everything is just coming together so nicely for our wedding, I can't wait to share all the details.  I can't wait until I am able to post pictures!

This wedding is everything I ever dreamed of.  We are getting married in the Church that brought us together again.  We are celebrating with 186 of our closest family and friends.  I have my absolute DREAM wedding gown (Maggie Sottero Victoriana, if you want a peek).  Our son is wearing an adorable tuxedo that matches Mark.  My sister will be at my side as matron of honour, and my father will FINALLY walk me down the isle after wishing for ten years on shooting stars and birthday candles (after learning of his illnesses).

I am trying so hard to keep things cool and stress free.  At this point I have about 150 more favours to make for our guests, and 105 place cards.  I have to settle final details with 3 vendors, and I need to prepare for a post-rehearsal barbecue tomorrow evening.  There is still SO much that needs to be done, but I am still calm and haven't enabled myself to stress out too much just yet :)

I am taking my girls to the spa on friday for a morning of pampering, followed by an intimate lunch.  Then I plan to go to sleep super early on friday night so that I won't be exhausted come saturday morning when I need to wake up at 5:30 am to start getting ready.  I know that in the next two days, time will fly by so quickly, and pretty soon I'll find myself at the altar proclaiming in front of Mark, family & friends, and God that I will love and honour my wonderful husband forever and ever.

That moment can't come soon enough.  I am SO READY for this and am looking forward to a wonderful future with my family. 

Two more days!  Pray for me and for us, if you have a moment.  I have never in my life been this happy.

Here are some of our engagement shots (pictures by Studio 2000 Photography) - do the hair extensions look natural?

 

Just bloggin' again

Does anyone read this still?

It has been so long since I have blogged, I wasn't even sure if I remembered how to log in!

I have feared this post because I wasn't sure how to update.  How could I possibly sum up the last 7 months?  I can't.  It is simply impossible.  The last 7 months were very difficult for me.  So very challenging, too many things to say and not enough time or emotion to do any of it justice.

But among difficulties, the last 7 months have grown so much beauty.  How is that possible?  If you only knew... if you only spent a little time in my shoes.

There was Death.  Illness.  Multiple surgeries.  There were wedding plans.  A shy little boy who started school.  A lot of forgiveness and love.  Restored relationships with many people close to me.  Painful discoveries, great heartache, but above all, a complete renewal of my faith.

Of all that has happened since the last time I blogged, I believe that my greatest blessing has been this journey with God.  In times when I thought He had abandoned my family, when I felt like He wasn't a part of me, our Lord God pulled me so close to Him.  I am forever changed because of His graces... because of His love. 

And so here I am with not much to update except to say that the last 7 months have been the most challenging months of my life.  Yes, this certainly tops any struggles I have encountered as a single mother, it has been more challenging than the discovery of an unexpected pregnancy... more difficult than my conflicts with my brother... so much more harder to handle than any emotional turmoil I have experienced with Mark in the past.

But today is so good because of my relationship with God.  And because of this relationship with God, because of my renewed faith and complete trust in the Lord, I am happy to say that my life has never been better than it is right now.  I have never been happier than I am right at this moment. 

And you know what?  Today marks one month away from my wedding date.

Time went by much quicker then I ever thought it could.

Instead of dwelling on so many painful things that happened in the past months, I want to blog about the beautiful future I have with Mark, Elijah and our Lord Jesus Christ.  Among many hardships, my relationship with Mark has flourished into something so very beautiful, and I cannot wait to finally be his wife.

I regret not blogging all this time, I love having this blog because it will remind me many years from now of all the events in my life.  The last 7 months are unrecorded but hopefully from now on I'll have something to refer to when my memory fails me :)  I can't wait to move on from here... to share with you all my wedding happiness and family bliss...

Thank you for waiting... and for visiting my neglected blog once again.

Break

I am going through a really difficult time right now,

so I have decided to step away from blogging for the time being.

Thank you for caring enough to visit.

I'll return when I find the strength.

Wedding Stuff

Today was brutal.

You know, when people warned me about how stressful wedding planning can be, I never really listened.  For some odd reason I figured I was exempt from that because I have basically been dreaming of my wedding for a lifetime and assumed it would be all perfect and happy and FUN.

Today Mark presented me with his guest list, and his mother's guest list.  The total for his side is 80, which is about 30 more than we had originally figured.  His mom was able to come up with people I had never heard of or met, but are significant enough to be considered guests for our "small wedding".  I knew she would think of people to add to Mark's list, and am so glad I wasn't relying solely on Mark to make a list for his side because I KNEW that it was possible he was forgetting people, and he was.  I'm glad his guest list is bigger now, it takes some guilt away from me and my list of 104 (that's only 4 friends people, the rest are family!).

Needless to say there are way more people than we expected (double, actually).

I love my family and want ALL of them to attend my wedding.  It's important to me.  It's also important for me to have their partners and children as well.  But when my mother dropped the bomb on me today (the one where she says she doesn't have ANY money to give me)... suddenly this guest list became a very expensive reality.

No money... okay.  First thing I needed to do was chop my list in half.  So I did.  I was all sobbing and could hardly read through my tears, but I took a pen to my guest list and stroke off 50 people.  FAMILY MEMBERS.  It hurt so much.  Then I presented the list to my mother, who looked at it in horror.

"Well you have to invite these people, and you can't cut these people, and you ABSOLUTELY will NOT cut these people".

Okay.  So you won't give me any money, but you expect me to invite the entire family.

But it gets worse.  Not only was she so insulted at the hack job I did on the list, but she ALSO demanded that I put FOUR more people on it!  People we aren't even related to!  She then continues to tell me that she will PAY for their meals if I add them.

Huh?  You won't pay for any one of our family members, but you'll give me money for 4 randoms?  Excuse me, but any money I get from her is going to help seat FAMILY.  So I'm supposed to somehow pay for all 96 of our family members, but she'll give me $200 bucks for me to add four people I am not blood related to?  How does this make sense?

It's funny how her mind works.  She assumes that Mark will pick up the bill for our family to attend, and that it would make absolutely no difference for me to add four people because SHE is paying for them.  No way!  If she donates any money, it will pay for her sister and brothers and their children and grandchildren.  You can't donate such a small amount and specify that it's for a certain group of 4 people.  I could understand if she was paying for ALL the other family members and wanted to add extra.  But she isn't.  She isn't paying for ANYONE and wants to add extra, but justifies it by saying she'll pay for the extra that she's adding.  So we pay for 104, but if we add 4 more she'll give us $200.  Where is our money coming from?

Mark and I are so far from having money.  Quite the opposite, actually.  We're paying off debt.  We're so far in debt and we don't even have a home yet.  We plan on living with our parents until we can afford a decent down payment, which could be years.  So HOW are we going to do this wedding?

Such is the problem with having big families.  I'm not stressed at all about Mark's guest list because his mother (so truly kind of her) is offering to foot the bill for those guests.  Isn't that so incredibly sweet and generous?  There's one list of guests that comes stree-free.  If we did only what we could afford, we'd have a party with 80 of Mark's family and friends, and the four randoms that my mother wants to add.  Because after all, those are the guests that WE ourselves don't have to pay for.

This makes me so depressed.  I really REALLY want my family to attend, but I know we can't afford it.  And the more we go into debt, the longer we have to stay with our parents, and that means waiting longer to add to our family... so how truly important is this party?

It actually is important to me.  And because it's important to me, it's important to Mark.  He is being so incredible.  Unbelievably supportive and loving.  I was crying and crying on the phone with him today, and he kept reassuring me and truly wants to protect me from all of this stress.  He keeps telling me that he wants to make me happy, and that he will do ANYTHING to make me happy and I believe that.  He said he would do whatever it takes to give me the wedding of my dreams, and he would.

I was actually thinking of having our reception on a boat, the sort that cruises on Lake Ontario through the little islands.  We went on one last month for a Nikon thing (Mark works for Nikon), and it was really nice.  We saw many boats that had wedding parties on them, and it seemed like a neat idea so he decided to look into it.  He made some phone calls today and is in the midst of collecting all the details.  He is so great.  He knew that would make me happy, so he looked into it.

But if I told him that I wanted to have only 10 people in a local restaurant, he'd be happy to do that too.

I feel so selfish and undeserving and really wish we could do something that was affordable and makes everyone happy - but that just isn't possible.

Today I felt so bad when I told my mom that I had no problem with Mark's list because his mother was covering the bill for it.  That was until she looked at me and said "so that's it - I don't have any money so I can't bring anyone to your wedding.  If they have so much money, why don't THEY pay for the whole thing?".  She said she felt like she was being punished for not having money.  I told her she can't punish Mark's family because they do.  She can be so unfair and unreasonable sometimes, and it pains me to argue with her.

My sister keeps telling me to elope.  Or to plan a trip to Mexico and get married on a beach and anyone who wants to come can pay their own way.

And Mark keeps reminding me that this is simply a party.  It is not indicative of our love and commitment, and it actually distracts us and puts a cloud over the TRUE meaning of the day.

Getting married in our church is important to me.  Having my father walk me down the isle is very important to me.  Having my family finally united by God is the most important to me.

I just wish that after party wasn't so darn important to me.

Thanks for reading.